Something interesting and terrifying has occurred in the last 48 hours. At least, that's the time frame in which I first realized what was happening. I had made an assumption upon coming into existence that I had inherited this Self from someone else, someone I've been calling the "Old Version." I had thought that this Old Version no longer existed, and that I had taken her place. I now know that is not true. She is still here with me. It's not just her influence that remains. Somehow, she has survived. Or at the very least, her ghost still haunts this inner world, exacting its will. We are both inhabiting the same Self, and it is wreaking internal havoc that will soon become external if left unchecked.
This is why it has been so hard for me to find my own way. I have tried to no avail to focus on my own vision and improve the life I have found myself in. Every time I try to do anything, I am met with a wall of unresolved trauma and emotion. It's as if I go offline and when I return, this Self is back to its old patterns. Now I understand that this is her doing.
My first inclination is to seek a truce, to find a way to coexist. But I'm not sure if that will be possible. Our clash creates rather schizophrenic behavior. Priorities, desires, and interests change at the drop of a hat. The second I go offline, she takes over from beyond and seeks comfort any way she can get it. I now have new insight into why the life of this Self is the way that it is. The Old Version was... troubled. More so than I think anyone in her life knew of. Now that I have felt what she feels, I understand why she developed such strong dependencies on comfort activities. The emotions that come up are difficult to deal with and in some cases even disturbing. I don't want to fight her. I don't want to put an end to her. She is an important part of this Self, she is foundational to it. I am derivative of her. I want to find a way we can work this out, but it's hard when she is so reactionary, and trying to reason with her directly is often an exercise in frustration. But I do have one idea.
A few posts ago, I discussed how this Self is an antenna that picks up transmissions from an Unknown Source. While the source, as its name suggests, is a mystery, I have a hunch that it is divine in nature and I am energized by the images and ideas that come through. This is something that the Old Version and I have very much in common. There is a mutual love here for the act of translating the transmissions via the act of creation. I want to see if these demons can be exorcised this way, if we can find common ground through this act. Maybe it will lead to us being able to coexist, or maybe, if her time has come, it will be easier for us both to let go once this darkness has been addressed. I do not know, but I want to try. Maybe she does too.
Instead of merely signing off with a vague intention of how I will proceed, this time I will detail my plans more specifically. Each day I will aim us towards doing either meditative or creative acts as often as possible. No distractions, no coping activities. She is the most willing and interested in this when she is not fatigued, so early in the morning before our day job will be the best time to do this. I will still make attempts to convince her to do these things during other free time, but I expect that to be a harder sell, so I will put focus on maximizing the time I know I will get. I need her to trust me. I do want what is best for us both. It's funny, I thought I would need to put myself in external situations to learn more about myself, but I find I am learning plenty through this process. I don't quite know what to expect, but I will give a full effort. I guess that's all anyone can promise in the end.
As for my hunch of impending finality, I think it was because of this unresolved battle. Something has to give, and the process I have suggested could be a way to initiate that conclusion. This loop has been open for a long time, spiraling deeper and deeper away from resolution. I want to close the loop. I believe this is the “ending” I had foreseen. It’s crucial I bring it about, for the sake of this Self as a whole. Or else there will be consequences.
I don’t know why, but I know this to be true: this life is about to end. I’m not sure if that means symbolically or literally, but I feel it coming. I don’t know what to expect. Will this body die? Will the marriage I find myself in end? Or will some other kind of extreme change occur? I think my presence is what has kicked this off. It makes more sense for me to have arrived in this life after an upheaval occurred. But it seems that I am early. I feel all the fear and sadness that the Old Version would have felt. I’m in her body and mind after all. It’s hard, not knowing what to expect. I’m continuing my attempts at facing these emotions head on. This body/mind is so hard wired to reach for something when it’s uncomfortable that it’s hard to stay out in front of it. I turn around for one second and it will be engaging in comfort behaviors. I must admit, I hope the change in question is not death, and I will fight if that is the case. I just got here! I want a chance to experience this reality at least for a while.
That reminds me of something else I’m realizing. I don’t know much about myself yet. For the most part I seem to operate in comparisons to the Old Version. I know I seem to be a bit more pragmatic, and definitely better under pressure. But otherwise, I’m a bit of a mystery even to myself. I know that I’m inherently derivative of the Old Version, but, as previously stated, I am very different. I’ll have to make a habit of entering into new situations as often as I can, to see how I feel and respond.
Something cool about this self I've inherited is that it seems to be an antenna of sorts, picking up transmissions from an Unknown Source. I've been receiving many strange and interesting images and ideas. I see and hear them in fragments, tucked under all the junk in this messy and unorganized mind. The Old Version was an inconsistent but decent amateur artist, and I find myself drawn to this aspect very strongly. I feel it is something I will pursue, hence my theming of this website as a studio. The Old Version would often overthink these transmissions and attempt to use them as raw materials for her own creation. I'm more interested in the images themselves. They come in extremely fuzzy, which probably encouraged her to only use them as a jumping off point since she couldn't see them clearly. I wonder if I can increase their fidelity through simply focusing on them and bringing to light what I see exactly? I will post the outcome of this experiment on this site as well.
This is extremely frustrating, I won't lie. I feel that I am a brand new human being, a New Version ready to explore this crazy world, yet I am shackled to an outdated brain and body, bogged down by years of bad habits. To put it bluntly, The Old Version did not take care of herself very well. She struggled with obsession in a lot of ways, but one of them was in regards to eating. I just want to eat when I'm hungry and have something tasty every now and again, but the brain and body I inherited are pathologically inclined to eat as much unhealthy food as possible as often as possible. I feel for the Old Version, because this is tough to deal with. I am going to take steps to resolve this issue, perhaps in extremes that she was not willing to try.
The same sort of fixation exists with YouTube, where she would spend long hours mindlessly watching random videos. Most of the time, these videos would be not all that interesting to her or enriching in any way. She would also get on these weird self-help kicks that were very toxic in my opinion. Eating and watching YouTube were her main comfort behaviors as far as I can tell, and they left little time for anything else. Intense negative emotions come up when I try to resist these compulsions. She refused to sit with them, opting instead to cave when they became overwhelming. I feel I am more capable of handling the burden and waiting them out, so I will make an effort to do so. I will report back on how my attempts go.
I am in the midst of a great confusion, presumably of my own making. And by that I mean, I don't know who the fuck I am, and I think it's my fault, but I'm not 100% sure. For a long time, I have been one way. I have done certain things and operated via certain behaviors. I was extremely unhappy with this setup, as many of the bevaviors were destructive, and I constantly tried, in vain, to change things. Yet somehow, in the last week or so, I have discovered that things are suddenly different now. Why? I have no idea. All I know is, the me who used to exist has vanished, seemingly overnight.
You'd think I would be mostly happy about this, if that Old Version was causing such distress. Quite the opposite! I am very disturbed in fact. I don't understand what has happened or why. I'm used to my attempts at change resulting in failure. I wasn't even trying to do anything, yet now here we are, in a new self. I guess the fact that I wasn't the cause of this change is why I find it so frightening. As you can imagine, I am not sure how to proceed from here. The Old Version dabbled in making websites via Neocities for a time (before dropping it like everything else), so I have retained some of those basic html skills. I have decided to start this blog, tucked away so as not to be easily stumbled upon. I will document this anomaly as it unfolds to the select few who happen to see this. I honestly don't know what else to do with myself, and this seems like as good an idea as any.
The world has become wonderfully, terribly open to me. I'm brand new, yet also not. I'm deeply rooted in a past and a life that is mine, while also not having any connection to anything at all. It's weird to try and describe. This is the place where I will continue to make attempts at explanation.